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I am sitting here depleted of energy, thoughts, emotions. The well has run dry. Not truly, but that is my overall demeanor as I type. I have just come home from the gym. From a workout the likes of which I haven't had in a long time. I mean it. My husband has been going to a personal trainer, and tonight I went in his place. I will be continuing to go in his place for a month...if I make it that long.
On my way home from the gym I was thinking about how this has to make the change that has eluded me thus far. If it doesn't, nothing will. Of this I am certain. Then, I started thinking about the fact that it never seems to be enough. Never. I don't know that I will ever be satisfied with my body. Always five more pounds, then tone this more, and shape this more, and on and on and on.
Prior to my first pregancy I was in good shape by my own standards and great shape by other's. In fact, here is a picture of me when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Addyson.
I look at it this and I long to look like that today. My breasts weren't to my knees, and no muffin top existed. Yet, at that point in time (well, before I was pregant...but this is the only pic I have that bares it all for that time) I wasn't happy about how I looked. Oh, most days I felt pretty good. I was fit, I worked out at least 5 days each week, and my clothes fit me well. But I didn't like my legs, and my butt needed to shed a layer. I could smack my former self right about now.
Today, two kids in rapid succession later, I am struggling to get that body back. I keep saying I have just ten more pounds to go when the reality is more like fifteen. I have been able to squeeze into some of my pre-pregnancy wardrobe, but not most of it...not even half of it. It's so depressing. So, now I am going to show you what I look like today. The picture was taken in February, and honestly I look at it and I know that some of you are going to say things like "you're crazy, you look fine." I can say that I look at the picture and I see that I look okay, but okay is not good enough. It's never enough.
I couldn't even bare to do the picture in a swim suit. So there I am...posing like a moron and smiling about it.
Now, to be clear, the point of this post is not to beat on myself. I am working at getting myself back to where I feel comfortable. The point is that for so many of us, it's just never good enough. I believe it's great to live a healthy lifestyle, and be fit...but at what point do you say "Damn! I look good." (to yourself, of course). Why do so many of us struggle to be able to simply feel content with who we are today? There is so much more than the outward shell we present.
I'll tell you this...I mentioned that if this month with the trainer didn't start to make the change, then nothing would. I believe it, and I have made up my mind that it's okay. I'm okay. I'm perfectly flawed...and that's good enough.
42 comments:
I don't think that as women, we'll ever feel completely content about our bodies when media and our peers paint a different view.
I think about this Twilight Zone episode from a long time ago where this lady was trying to get plastic surgery to fit in. Well, fitting in meant looking like what most people would consider hideous, yet, she was beautiful and didn't fit in with everyone else's "hideousness".
I've stopped trying to measure up. My ex husband wanted so much for me to be Barbie doll perfect (although she really isn't) and berated me for being a size 12. After the divorce and now that he has a 21 year old wife who is a size 0, he's still not happy and wishes that he had me back.
What I'm trying to say is you have to be comfortable in your skin....no one else, not even a trainer can put that into you.
You are gorgeous in both pictures.
Ok first I have to say that I would KILL to look like you do!!
However I also know that no matter how skinny or not so much, no matter how toned or flabby, we all want to be better. When I was younger I always thought I was too heavy and now I look back and wonder what the heck I was thinking!
I think sometimes it's hard to be content when we're looking at clothes that will not fit the un'perfect' body.
Actually, I'm pretty content with my body even though I put on 6 pounds since last summer. I'm going to start walking once it warms up. My tops of my thighs are touching for the first time since I was pregnant. For me that's a sign to do something, lol.
But, I have to say, I think once you stop negatively thinking of it and focus more on a positive outcome, it's going to be much easier to lose it. That whole 'negative attracts negative, positive attracts positive' thang. :)
Don't look at it like 'if this doesn't work, nothing will'...every day just imagine what your end goal is and how you'll feel about it...healthier, sexier...and focus on that and those feelings and that outcome. It'll make it easier to reach your goal.
As for you picture? You look pretty good here. In fact, we could probably swap clothes, we look about the same size.
Ok I love your figure even now. You have some meat but not too much it is just right. I on the other hand have one of those GIANT muffin tops I think they call them cakes lol.. and boobs that never quit * sighs...
This is a mental game. Not a physical one.
PS. you look great. The gym will get you strong and healthy. That should be the focus.
I agree---I will never be satisfied with myself either. And I think most women would say the same.
I don't know how to get over this---if one of us figures it out, we should share the secret with women all over the world.
For the record, I think you look great in both photos. But I know you probably won't believe me...
Isn't it funny how at the time of a photo we can think we don't look that great,and then looking back we think it looks pretty good now?
My body has changed SO many times it isn't funny...my biggest issue is my strecth marks. They are everywhere.
But I think we all do this...it's never good enough. There are days where I think I'm doing pretty good and then the next day I think I'm scum... Isn't that terrible!
It's taken years for me to be okay with me. And it is the greatest freedom...to love where you are at...!
You still look amazing to me, especially after having 2 children that are still so young. Heck, my oldest will be 12 soon and I still joke how I still need to lose weight from her pregnancy (actually, its not a joke though!)
You brave girl! You look amazing, seriously..
I would love to be able to show off my stomach..how lucky you are that you still can!!
I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with the way I look..
I'd love to be though..
Great post mamma!
Yes, I will tell you that you look great.
I think ones self image is all mental. It certainly helps to be fit and energetic, but it always will come back to whether you are strong minded enough to simply know that you look great.
You look awesome!
I'd love to go back and smack myself for complaining about my body pre-kids. I'd kill to look like I did back then again.
Oh my dear God. I swear to you we are on the same wave length!!
I was having a hard time deciding what to post today, so I posted something goofy about Giselle, and my obvious dislike of my body.
I just went to see what was goin' on in MckMama's community, and OH. MY. WORD. It was you were in my head...or I was in yours...or something!
I hafta say...you look dang good! I think we are always too hard on ourselves, but from an outsider looking in, you look great!
Good thoughts! Good post! Thanks for being vulnerable! I think most women deal with this insecurity. For some, they are moderately motivated to do something about it. Others care but just don't DO. Then there are those who should care but don't. Finally, there is the group of women who care so much that it's dangerous to their health. On some levels, I think it's important to care. It is an awareness of maintaining a healthy body. When our conscious effort to be healthy turns unhealthy is dangerous.
Most women are not happy with this or that part of their body, or their whole body. But if we spend so much time thinking about it, not dressing up, not going out... etc, we allow it to control us. We have to take the control and not allow our body to control us if we ever want to be successful and lead a life or worth instead of constantly obsessing over or body.
and ps, you look dang good!!
Great Post! and so very sad at the same time. I was never happy with my figure when I was younger and still not. I was an athlete growing up and always in great shape. Looking back now at those pictures makes me so angry with myself. Hindsight, stinks! My younger daughter has terrible body image issues and this saddens me. I see history repeating itself, which angers me. Guess its a girl thing?
I'm totally the same way. Its sad to think that I may never be comfortable in my own body. I want so much to be one of those women that really owns her curves and really loves that c-section scar (bumpy ugly scar) and values the saggy boobs that she got by breast feeding. But I'm just not. I don't know how we get over it when we are constantly bombarded with media and marketing that convinces us we aren't enough.
I don't know if I'll ever get to the place where I'm comfortable in my own skin. I sure hope so though!!!
Very well said! You are right we are never satisifed. just the other day I was looking at pics of myself on my honeymoon. I told my husband "..and I thought I was fat then! I could kill for that body now" We just have to be happy with ourselves and realize we will never be that model on TV.
PS you look great girl! You have no reason to be hard on your self! you will be rockin that bikini in no time :)
Just wanted to say that I think you look amazing! It is very clear that you work hard to maintain your appearance, and you should feel very proud of yourself.
Good post and oh so true. Never satisfied. I guess it's a mind thing.
I just stopped by to say hi. I'm way behind on my blog reading. I have a long weekend coming and i'm hoping for time to do some more reading. In the mean time I hope things are well for you and your family!
I don't know that women with ever feel good about themselves because of how the media portrays women. Our heads are always filled with ideas that aren't correct and there is always a new diet coming out. I know that I never reach a place where I am happy with me. So instead of worrying about it I am going to just do what I do and figure out how to love the muffin top and sagging boobs.
I was having this conversation with my sis-in-law this weekend. We can both see beauty & traits we wish we had in the other but often don't see the good in ourselves. I know we can blame it on the media and the magical abilities of airbrushing and the other things they do to make women look perfect (no such thing) It is easier to focus on the negative and I think that translates across the board in life. But if we can correct that thought pattern in how we see ourselves and how we see life and the world around us we are much happier. I think it comes down to love. We have to learn to love ourselves. We can focus on improving but we have to love and accept ourselves. When I was little my Grandma gave me a yellow shirt with a little girl scowling on it that said "I know I am somebody special because God don't make no junk!" Funny how things stick. But when I get down I see that shirt and remember I am a daughter of a perfect God and that he created me the way I am and that was not a mistake. I am perfect in my imperfections. It helps me face my self and the negative self talk.
PS you do look great! I wish I had your muscle :)
I think as women we'll never be completely satisfied with our body! Sad, but true. I have reached the point where I am satisfied with my weight. I worked really hard to get there and still have to work hard to keep it there! But there are still things I would change...like the flab of extra skin hanging off my belly!
It's cliche, but true beauty comes from within! It's a mindset, not a number.
BTY, you look fabulous! Hot Arizona Mamma!
Girl! Whatchoo thinkin! You know how lucky you are to be able to still wear a 2 piece anything after having kids?! I lost that at 18! I may be small, but there's things that just won't snap back along with enough stretch marks for the both of us! I try to fix what I can, and spend an equal amount of time not worrying about what I can't fix and the other half hating what I can't fix.
My first thought was WOW I can't believe you were pregnant in that picture. By 12 weeks I always look about 5 months pregnant. I have to agree that you also look fantastic now. I can barely stand showing my husband my stomach, let alone anyone else.
I have a very hard time with what I have left over from having so many kids so fast.
I try to be satisfied and focus on all of the ways that I am so lucky. When fully clothed, people can't believe I have had twins; however, I would prefer my husband to not see me unless its dark. I have joined the stretch mark, tiny saggy boob club and it is depressing sometimes. I try to look at the changes to my body as battle wounds. It is something I gave up and acquired in order to have my beautiful babies.
That said, I don't know how to achieve true satisfaction in myself. I believe you may have the answer when you said you are perfectly flawed. What a beautiful idea. We are perfect in our imperfection.
Sorry I didn't comment earlier, I could not see the pictures at work. I completely 100% agree with your message and think you are always so positive. I am inspired to be more like you in that respect. Now as for your body, well, I would be remiss if I didn't say that I am both jealous of your before and your after body. My "muffin" top is more reflective of a 7 layer cake. heehee
Arizona,
I wish I looked as good as you do! You are being too hard on yourself pretty lady!
Oh hun, you look great!
I too struggle with that left over 5-10 pounds of baby weight. You are so brave to post pics but it just makes you more real! :-)
Seriously though - why cant we women be happy with ourselves? I thought the same about myself pre-little monkey man. Now I think what the heck was wrong w me...I looked good!
btw...you are awesome in both pics(just an fyi...you are crazy.:o))
Great post! We had a conversation similar to this the other day at the office. We have a couple of girls becoming obsessed with weight loss. One already looks like a rack of bones and still sees herself needing to lose more! With a feeling of no control at all in a lot of areas in her life, this is something that IS in her control.
I made the comment that... A.) Being honest with myself, I'd have to say I'd like to lose a few more pounds. But... B.) If I don't then IT'S OKAY! I have a happy life. Sure there are stressful days but I have SO much! An awesome son who ONLY gets into trouble for maybe not taking out the trash the moment I tell him (and waiting for his time) or another small chore (bedroom, nuff said) but he never got in to trouble at school, doesn't get out and get into things. He's caring and thoughtful and just a great kid. I have a hubby who loves me dearly and ever told me this morning (on his way to the kitchen to get my morning coffee and bring to me) that I was the love of his life! How could you not be a happy person... inside and? And... C.) I said if you were unhappy in so many parts of your life then no amount of weight lost will make you any happier. You've got to "make" your own HAPPY!
Don't think she cared a lot for those comments but sometimes the truth hurts. :)
Did you see Oprah yesterday?? She had on Jessica Simpson, who talked about her struggle with weight(mostly other people's comments about her weight)...and get this...the largest she has been is a 6!!! SOOOO sad. I really do think we need to be so careful as to the messages that we allow ourselves, and our daughters to listen to. We need to re-define our definition of beauty!! For our sakes, and our daughters. I hate the media for being soooo dishonest about beauty, but I get even more upset with myself for believing it!!
All that being said...I think you look great, Arizona Mamma....but even more, I think you are an honest, kind, talented, funny lady...who loves her family!! And doesn't that make you more beautiful than being stick skinny and hard bodied ever could!! :)
First off....balls again! I could never post pictures like that b/c i have never looked like that ! YOU LOOK AWESOME!!!!!!!!
I am with ya on the never good enough thing....I am the fat one on Eric's side. Good times.
I think maybe I should start walking more;)
OMG Sista you look SEXY!! Good Lord, Woman, I have a panic attack over posting a picture of my FACE! Zits, weight, bad hair, whatever it may be, it takes a BUNCH of strength to post a picture of ourselves that shows any imperfection. I struggled with anorexia in college and know all too well the impossibility of achieving our ideal. But to face it and confront it and share it takes more strength than I think I can muster... and you know what? Having that strength is the first step to meeting your goals - even if that goal is just to forgive yourself your flaws and love your body.
You're an inspiration.
And you're beautiful.
Thanks for this post :-)
I'm so proud of you. First for being so honest and putting it all out there. And for trying not to beat yourself up. We must be related. I feel the exact same way about myself. I long for the body I once had. But its gone and I'm basically left with a disaster. When I'm really down about my body and how I'm aging I usually try and point out one thing I like about myself. I think what we all need to strive for is being happy.
Best wishes!
hot mamma!
I know how you feel, it's never enough for me either. It won't be until I can fit into the bikini I could wear on my honeymoon... okay, I can fit into it, but not the way i'd like with skin oozing over. nice visual eh?
here's to a better self image. 'cause girl you lookin' good. ;)
Well, I have to tell you I am right where you are. The feelings, thoughts-all of it. We should start an accountability group where we encourage each other. Not to get in shape, but to feel good about where we are as well. Afterall- we are our own biggest critics. Thanks so much for sharing this!!!
I don't think I'll ever be happy with the way I look, but ya never know.
I think you are beautiful - inside and out. I mean that.
You can do it, girl!
As someone with no children, I'd be lying if I said I am looking forward to the changes that would come to my body in having them. With that said, I think you are right in saying most people don't appreciate the good body when they have it. Good reminder to love "what you have", and I wish you best it getting "what you had" back.
Also checked out the (hating) running post. Hilarious...as someone who runs quite often, but still knows how you feel.
You look great!
Shane
www.calgarydaddy.com
You are amazing(and got some balls I dream of having one day). You look amazing too!
And hey, no fair! Where are your stretch marks? I look like I've been attacked by a beast and clawed to the death of my stomach :(
You look great!! Seriously! You should be smiling.
I too don't think I will ever be satisfied with my body. My skinniest was before I got married and I was still not 100% happy with it all. And I look back and am like what was I thinking.
But add a few kids in there and whatever!!
That first pic- is that your pool?
So jealous!
Way to post! You are more confident than I in this area! I am working towards a heart healthy lifestyle... and hoping to drop back down to the pre baby stage weight... I am close... 10-15 lbs! ;) I am with you! tired of feeling not quite there! should be content... but I am not yet... I am not horribly unhappy with myself... the heart is more important than the weight for me... =) but they do come hand in hand... darn it!
Just Jenn~
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